I think I should explain why I think I am autistic. It came as a shock to me when I diagnosed myself. I asked myself for a second opinion. To be fair I had diagnosed everyone in my family and most people I knew before I got to me.
It started when my son's nursery mentioned his walk. I took him to the doctors and they asked if the nursery had mentioned any other symptoms. I went back and asked them and they said yes. He was struggling with transitions.
It wasn't really a shock to me. We described him in our family by saying that he had his 'own ways.' I had mentioned his difficulties with eating and potty training to health visitors but they told me that children develop at their own rate. I had seen my son line up toys like autistic children do but he was also bright, funny and warm.
He has empathy. We all do in my family. People with autism aren't supposed to be empathic. This is what threw us off the trail. I diagnosed my husband next. He was obvious. He is an introverted computer programmer. Apart from the empathy thing, everything else fitted. He felt upset for a day when he realised. He was frightened that I would leave him. Then he accepted it. It made sense to him.
I felt like a rose in the desert. An empathic person in a sea of autism. The only neurotypical. I was an empathic, creative person with imagination and I was an extrovert. People with autism aren't supposed to be imaginative and extroverted. That's what threw me off the trail, at first.
As I read more about autism I saw an article on women with autism on the internet. It said autistic women didn't care about their hair. They didn't understand why they needed to brush it. They wore comfortable clothes. They were disorganised. Autistic people aren't supposed to be disorganised. I looked at my hair, the jogging trousers I was wearing, my beloved trainers and wondered where my car keys were.
Suddenly I realised I was autistic.
I know autism. I have worked with autistic people at both ends of the spectrum and a few people who probably are autistic and don't know. I have done training courses in it. How could I be autistic for all these years and not know?
Half of my life has passed as a neurotypical and the second half of my life will be as someone who is autistic. Except I have always been autistic and now I see it. Every awkward conversation and each difficult memory flashed before my eyes. I feel more autistic than ever but nothing has changed. I have suddenly become autistic while remaining exactly the same.
I still don't know where my car keys are.