Socialising can be difficult. It is not necessarily that people are actual loners, which can be the case, it is more that people find socialising complicated, awkward and sometimes embarrassing. How long will the event last, who will be there and what will you be doing? What if you run out of things to say or worse still, end up stuck with someone who is discussing cladding or a weekend they had in Llandudno three years ago.
That is why people make friends more easily at school or college because they have a common place to meet, activities to do together and things in common. In more loose social situations people can end up relying on social lubricants like alcohol. Eating also helps. If you're waiting for your meal and chatting in the meantime, it can be a huge relief when suddenly the starters arrive. Just to give you a fresh topic or sometimes just a break. One of my favourite questions to ask is, "how is the chicken?" I find it an act of great friendliness, particular as I am a vegetarian.
It is often helpful to have an activity to do. That is why going to the cinema is a popular first date. You are able to do something together and then later go and discuss the film. Just starting from scratch, when you hardly know someone is extremely difficult. Speed dating is a formalised way of meeting people, in the extremely treacherous world of dating. The difficulties around initiating a conversation, continuing it and ending are all solved through formality.
At Christmas time, you have the opposite problem. You know your family too well and therefore have said everything worth saying. In that case, Christmas crackers work. They provide you with an activity, a joke to tell, a question to ask, a game to play and even something to wear. If you are very lucky you get a fish that attempts to tell your fortune. Highly inaccurate but hugely entertaining. Even the act of pulling a Christmas cracker is an initiation to a social interaction. Will you pull the cracker with me? Listen to my joke. I like your hat.
Parties often work well if there is a quiz element or games. Team building works on the basis of using drama games. These are often overused and seen as embarrassing. When people become adults they feel inhibited and don't want to take part in drama games or any game for that matter. If this is how everyone feels, imagine what it is like for people that have any social problems. If you are anxious or lack the skills to socialise then going out and joining in with others can be an absolute nightmare. Especially if you don't know who will be there and whether you have anything in common with them. What if you don't know the first thing about cladding or North Wales?
I was part of a friendship group, and when I first joined, they spent a lot of time doing pamper evenings and going out for meals. These sort of events, and parties, are particularly difficult social events. As time went on I started introducing events like murder mystery nights, games nights and taking part in sports and activities. Naturally without realising it I had created a way to socialise that is entirely based around activities. Having a games night is particularly helpful, if the conversation is going well you can ditch the game entirely as if it is no longer relevant, if not play on and talk around the game or through it.
If a formalised event is too much for some people because it is too restrictive and seems too much like organised fun, and a straightforward social event is too difficult and can result in people not wanting to attend, how do you strike the balance? I would propose a sort of scaffolded socialising. The sort of activity that doesn't seem preplanned but isn't entirely spontaneous either.
The example I am going to give is the picnic. No organised fun is needed, all the people need to know is to bring an item of food. A picnic on your own is quite boring, you would have to prepare all the food yourself. It is much better to have a picnic with others, everyone benefits. Having a picnic with other people enhances the experience it doesn't detract. It is more than the sum of its parts.
There are plenty of elements in a picnic that aid you socially or least to start the social experience. You are helped with the initiation of the social interaction through the act of sharing the food. For example, "where shall I put my tomato salad?" The picnic blanket is a focal point for the food and people sit around it but you get to choose where you sit, be that close or further away from other people. Whatever you choose you'll be in the vicinity of the main area. If eye contact is a problem or you don't want to sit directly opposite someone you can angle yourself away, such is the nature of sitting on a blanket. The very act of organising the food and sharing the various items; cutlery, cups, and plates, leads to lots of practical conversations. You can then go on to talk about who has made what dish and which foods you enjoy. There is a very definite end to the social interaction where everyone helps to clear away and packs away the picnic blanket. Then it is time to say goodbye. There are other activities that can be added such as enjoying the view and being in nature, which can be very calming. You can add extra elements like playing sports or games.
Everyone needs help socially when they are meeting people for the first time. Yet in lots of instances people struggle socially to such degree that it never changes even with people they know well. Some sort of social scaffolding is needed in all events. At least an awareness that every event needs something in it that aids social communication. There is no need to not have it because it benefits everybody. Another helpful device is having a quiz or some sort of interaction where people can form groups but don't necessarily have to talk to one another about what they do for a living or other such small talk. You are working together in a common goal but not in a juvenile or patronising way.
Having these elements, or scaffolding, in social events can be helpful rather than having full-blown organised events. This allows people to have time out when they need it or to adjust themselves if they're having sensory processing difficulties or simply to move away from someone who is boring them or with whom the topic of conversation is ended. If you don't include these things to help people and go for a more straightforward party. You will notice that people do this sort of thing naturally, you may find people sat in the kitchen or off to one side or even helping to clean up or pour drinks for people. These things give people a role or a purpose so they don't feel socially awkward. Therefore it is helpful to give them a game, give them an activity or help them to be more social. Everyone will benefit and have a better social experience and you will have a party or gathering to remember. Sometimes nothing is more lonely than being in a crowd. In supporting others you'll be helping them to feel less lonely and less isolated and more connected to other human beings. What can be better than that? Pass the salad.