I can remember the exact moment I felt different. I couldn't say the day or even the year. At a guess I was seven. It felt like I was seven. I might not have been. Whenever it was it was sudden and permanent. It felt like I was bullied from that point until the end of primary school.
I was asked in my autism assessment when I knew I was different. The question wasn't a surprise to me. I knew I was different. I just didn't know why.
I don't even really know why I was bullied. I just felt like I was joining in and then suddenly people seemed to turn on me. I remember they didn't like my ponytail. I wore it low and loose. They wore theirs like a horse. High up and tight. I didn't like that. It was too uncomfortable for me.
Later in primary school everyone got a perm and a bra. You couldn't have one without the other. I wondered why everyone wanted to be the same.
At guides I was at camp running from tent to tent with everyone else and then next minute I was sleeping on the floor with no idea where my sleeping bag was, pretending to be asleep as people whispered about me and I cried.
At secondary school it changed a little bit I met some like minded people and we stuck together. We were different together.
I used to get nervous on holiday. Meeting new people was difficult but I would make friends. Then another person would join in and they would go off together. My mum said threes never worked. It seemed like I was a good friend until someone else came along. I didn't really get it. Things just didn't add up. Threes don't work. Maybe it was maths' fault.
I still feel different. I like everyone but some people have said about me 'I don't think she likes me.' Like I go around not liking people for the sake of it. I just really don't know how to fit in and nothing has changed.
I have made a career and life out of being different. My uniqueness is an asset. There was a time I would have done anything to be the same. The bra, the perm and the ponytail. Sounds like a novel. Like The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Every motivational poster tells you to be yourself but that can be a lonely thing. People working to stand out when you would give anything to fit in.
One of the main blessings and problems is my honesty, straightforwardness and fairness. People get jealous I am neutral and assume that I am up to no good. How can you be straightforward? You must be sly. You must have allegiances with people and not stand out. I feel I am not keeping up with the fickle and changing mood. I just am.
When I was at primary school I was bullied. Then I went into hospital for an operation. The class made me Get Well cards. I didn't know how the same people could be so mean and then so nice. People's changing motivation is a mystery. They change too quickly and I can't keep up. I am different but consistent.