Loneliness

I feel lonely. Maybe not all the time but probably most of it. If I were to stop and think about it, I would realise I was lonely but I try not to stop and think. I lack a connection to people that I have never understood until I realised I was autistic.

I have told people in the past that I have felt lonely. It only happened twice. Once with a housemate and the other time with a relative. Both times it was a cry for help, for my difficult feelings to be seen, but in both cases, it was ignored and never mentioned again. If someone told me they were lonely, I would ask them what I can do and if necessary never leave their side.

People say you feel most lonely in a crowd. I would agree. The more people around you, the more lonely you can feel and the more guarded everyone else is. I have seen close friends change in an instant in public. Even to me. I want to say, "What are you doing?" "It is just me. Be yourself." People aren't, and believe me I understand. Being autistic, most of my daily interactions are, to a certain extent, faked. It does, however, mean I am quite consistent in the way I am. The act is now me. This is who I am, a social being I created. To call it fake is unfair. It is more real than real. If I have to exist in the social world, then this is how I do it. If anything, others are faker than I. My act is more real than theirs. If I get the chance, I say how I feel, but it isn't really that accepted, so I go back to the version of myself that is accepted. In neuro-diversity terms, it is known as 'passing'. To pass as a regular person, whatever that is.

I used to be exceptionally shy. I think society understands shyness in girls and almost prefers it. As a child, I once went to a pantomime on my own. I was sat with another girl on the coach. I didn't know what to say so I pretended I had a toothache the entire time. From an early age, I have managed to make friends if there is only one person but as soon as someone else came along the original person would go off with them. I thought my loneliness was because I was an only child and I vowed not to only have one child myself.

Before I was married I felt so unbelievably lonely it hurt. When I got married, for the first time I felt complete and to a certain extent whole. My children also mean that I am less lonely. Yet I still feel lonely. It is like a shadow. It is sometimes large, and at other times small, but it is always there.

I am now quite extroverted and some people don't believe I have ever been shy. I recently was at a party and I knew most people. I asked to take a selfie with two girls I knew. They then asked me to take a picture of them together. Later, I looked at the picture of the three of us and they were huddled together and I was stood slightly away. Not my choice. Just the way we had stood. I was different to them, at some almost imperceptible level.  I have lots of these photographs. This same photo has been recreated year upon year with every friend group I have ever known. They know intuitively that I am slightly on the outside and this is where I end up standing.

Knowing I am autistic goes some way to explaining how I feel and has taken the pressure off. I no longer keep wondering why am I different. I know. Will the loneliness go? I hope so but I am not sure. What it does do is show me the deep loneliness in others, and that, I can do something about.

You just know

There is a feeling that you get that your child is different. You just know. Even if they hit their milestones. It is something that comes from watching your child grow. From being with them every day. You just know.

Everything seems more difficult. They don't quite sleep as well. Eating is a battleground. Potty training takes forever. The health visitors and midwives tell you that children develop at different speeds. It still doesn't explain how you feel. It is reassuring but only to a point.

Sometimes it can be a tangible thing. Lining toys up or constantly stacking and carrying things, rather than playing with them in a traditional way. Not answering to their name right away. Walking on their toes. Climbing over you to get to things. Covering their ears. It is fleeting. They return to 'normal' but you just know.

Sometimes it is just a feeling. They look at other children with expectation but they don't seem to 'get' the game. They talk a little too loudly or laugh a bit too much. Their faces are very expressive or not expressive at all. They operate at their own speed. They build dens to hide in. Like, other children. Just a little bit different. Every child is different they tell you.

You point at something for them to bring to you and they can't see it. They can concentrate on some things for ages or other things for only a few seconds. They fall. Spin and dance. Feel emotions strongly. Have their own strong will. Shopping is a nightmare. Trips out are intense. You feel frazzled.

Sometimes you feel that you are imagining it. They are like other children. You remember them being born and the relief that they were well. With all their fingers and toes. Perfect. Sometimes they don't look at you. Sometimes they don't play with you. Sometimes they don't seem to be interested in you. Then the next minute, they look, they play and they are interested. Yet you have noticed and you know.

Not staying with that feeling won't change things. As time goes on their differences are more tangible. You may need to talk until you are heard. You may need to persevere until you are seen. You may need to fight until they are supported.

You know and you know you know. Talk, persevere and fight. They think you don't know but you do.

Different

I can remember the exact moment I felt different. I couldn't say the day or even the year. At a guess I was seven. It felt like I was seven. I might not have been. Whenever it was it was sudden and permanent. It felt like I was bullied from that point until the end of primary school.

I was asked in my autism assessment when I knew I was different. The question wasn't a surprise to me. I knew I was different. I just didn't know why.

I don't even really know why I was bullied. I just felt like I was joining in and then suddenly people seemed to turn on me. I remember they didn't like my ponytail. I wore it low and loose. They wore theirs like a horse. High up and tight. I didn't like that. It was too uncomfortable for me.

Later in primary school everyone got a perm and a bra. You couldn't have one without the other. I wondered why everyone wanted to be the same.

At guides I was at camp running from tent to tent with everyone else and then next minute I was sleeping on the floor with no idea where my sleeping bag was, pretending to be asleep as people whispered about me and I cried.

At secondary school it changed a little bit I met some like minded people and we stuck together. We were different together.

I used to get nervous on holiday. Meeting new people was difficult but I would make friends. Then another person would join in and they would go off together. My mum said threes never worked. It seemed like I was a good friend until someone else came along. I didn't really get it. Things just didn't add up. Threes don't work. Maybe it was maths' fault.

I still feel different. I like everyone but some people have said about me 'I don't think she likes me.' Like I go around not liking people for the sake of it. I just really don't know how to fit in and nothing has changed.

I have made a career and life out of being different. My uniqueness is an asset. There was a time I would have done anything to be the same. The bra, the perm and the ponytail. Sounds like a novel. Like The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. Every motivational poster tells you to be yourself but that can be a lonely thing. People working to stand out when you would give anything to fit in.

One of the main blessings and problems is my honesty, straightforwardness and fairness. People get jealous I am neutral and assume that I am up to no good. How can you be straightforward? You must be sly. You must have allegiances with people and not stand out. I feel I am not keeping up with the fickle and changing mood. I just am.

When I was at primary school I was bullied. Then I went into hospital for an operation. The class made me Get Well cards. I didn't know how the same people could be so mean and then so nice. People's changing motivation is a mystery. They change too quickly and I can't keep up. I am different but consistent.